Last night I was trying to pray for my children, but I kept thinking about the future and worrying instead. Then a song came to my mind so I mentally sang through the words as a new prayer. Tears came to my eyes at first, but eventually the magic of surrender took over and I fell asleep. I wish I could tell you that I had a peaceful sleep filled with dreams of hope, but I honestly can’t remember. I think I slept pretty hard though because I’d planned on getting up to see them off to school, but didn’t make it out of bed til after nine.
In fact I’m still feeling a bit groggy here at 10:30. Writing is feeling much tougher this week, probably because I had such a good week last week, and I’m psyching myself out by comparing my output/production levels. Oh, well, that’s how it goes sometimes and I just have to push through. It makes me feel like I shouldn’t have shared anything last week, though. Like I’ve jinxed myself somehow, and I know that’s silly, but it still feels a little true.
We’ve been trying to get this new website ready to launch, and I have a new logo and some branding I need to do on all the social medias now that it's up and running. Another thing I’ve been trying to think through is how much I should share of what I’m working on. I don’t have a definitive answer yet, but I’d like to have a post up here every week, even if it’s not part of my book project. Maybe I’ll just post about the process, like I’m doing now?
Anyhow, I had an idea a long time ago about a weekly post called DJ Wednesday, which would be posts that read like prayers, (DJ = Dear Jesus), but I’m hesitant to start it up because I have a bad habit of not following through on goals that I set, and I don’t want to disappoint everyone, or myself, again. (See the January challenge I gave myself earlier this year.)
My husband asked me yesterday if I was the kind of person who worked better with concrete goals, or if they intimidate me. I told him yes and no. It feels good to set goals, to have something definable to reach for, but it also feels like there’s more at risk if I don’t reach those goals. Yes, it’s difficult for him to figure out how to help me when I give him answers like that, but thankfully he just listened and said that makes sense. (The guy who crushes every goal he’s ever set, and often has to come up with harder goals for himself before the initial challenge is complete, just let me off the hook. Whew! It’s nice when he pretends to understand me.)
The truth is that I’m incredibly lucky. The fact that I get to spend my days taking care of the people I love the most, along with the fact that those same people are cheering me on to pursue this creative dream of mine while they’re away at work and school, is nothing short of a gift. And a gift like that inspires me to keep going, even when I’m feeling intimidated, or worried, or scared. It’s the kind of gift that helps me surrender to the process everyday, even when it’s hard, and it makes me cry, and I don’t know if things are gonna work out the way I want them to.
Which is another way that writing, for me anyway, is a lot like prayer. So here’s my offering for this week: Dear Jesus, thank you for the blessing of these words today. May there be even more tomorrow.